Just how I feel...

I was reading some of the memorials on the melanoma website and I came across this poem that really touched me. It's really sums up how I feel about my mom.

"The Agony is so great.....
And yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much.
But goodness knows I would not
Want to diminish that precious love
By one fraction of an ounce.
I will Hurt,
And I will be grateful to the hurt
For it bears witness to
The depth of our meanings,
And for that I will be
Eternally Grateful."

Hi mom. Just me, missing you.
Love,
Brooke

You are always on my mind

As time passes I find myself coming up with all kinds of questionst that I would like to ask my mom. Here are just a few of them:

• What was your favorite color? ( I don't think I've ever asked you that)
• How did you keep your nails so gorgeous?
• What advice would you give me as a new teacher?
• How in the world do you teach kids to read? I felt lost in Literacy I.
• Do you think I'll be a good teacher?
• Will I always be so stubborn...?
• How can I be a better wife?
• Should I do a masters equivalency or just do a masters?
• What was your favorite dessert?
• Is it okay that I learned how to play poker? :) LOL
• What advice do you have about being a mother?
• Are you proud of me?
• How can Brooke and I better deal with dad's marriage?
• What do you wish you had done before the end?
• Should I keep my hair long or short?
• What should I do for a summer job?
• How do I fill the hole you left?
• When will I get to see you again?
• Am I doing a good job at Dixon?
• What do you miss most about our family?
• How's Briana?
• What do I need to do to be better spiritually?
• Do you know how much we miss you?
• Are you okay with the new wife?
• etc....

Wedding Day

Here are a few photos I found of Steph's wedding day--she was a beautiful bride!

Memories

OK, Jamie you reminded me of some stuff. I used the word "lallygagging" (I don't even know how to spell it) the other day and I had to smile because it is such a "my mom" word! I can't tell you how many times I heard, "quit your lallygagging!" I also remember her letting us come to help her with her classroom at the beginning of each school year. I'm sure we weren't too much help, but she knew we loved to so she let us come anyway. I loved my mom's hands. She had the most slender, perfect fingers and the most beautiful nails. She always kept her nails long enough to scratch my dad's back.(: She worked so hard to make my wedding perfect. That was my mom. She loved us so. I miss her when I don't know how to make baked potatoes and when Makenna laughs and I wish she was here to enjoy my kids. I just miss her all the time. Sometimes I wish it would get better but then I wish it wouldn't because I don't want to lose any of her.

More things on my mind

Now that Adam and I are in the same ward that my parents attended for the last year of my mom's life I have had more opportunities to reflect on the memories that I have.

After returning from my mission in Spain, I remember being shocked to find out that my parents had hired someone to clean the house twice a week. All growing up my mother had been a "do it yourself" person and was very much a busy body. In this bewildered state I asked my dad why they had hired her. He lovingly replied that because the interferon had taken such a toll on my mom's body she decided to hire someone to complete the daunting task of cleaning "the castle house". That little moment helped to realize that my mom was going through some serious treatment even though she never presented herself that way. She was an incredibly strong woman who was very determined to do all that she could by herself.

I remember my dad telling me that almost every night my mom would come home from school and be so excited to tell my dad all about each student and their progression (whether it was big or little). She loved teaching so much and as I have begun my teaching career I can see why!!

I will never forget the night of my mother's retirement party. I got home from work and my dad was frantically trying to figure out where my mom had gone. We only had 10 minutes left before her party at the school and we still had no idea where she went. A few minutes later my mom came through the door. We asked her where she had been and she acted shocked about our concern. She informed us that she had gone to do her visiting teaching and ended up staying a little longer because her visiting teachee "needed to talk to someone". Now keep in mind that this was also a few weeks after she had started her aggressive treatments for brain cancer. I often reflect on this teaching experience when it's time for me to do my visiting teaching. Even though my life gets pretty busy with work and school, I remind myself of the selflessness my mother showed even during her most trying period. Almost all of us have time to do our visiting teaching, no matter what.

She always remembered everyone's birthday and special events. Her car was her room on wheels, much like mine is today. She didn't know how to give less than 110% in anything. She really loved McDonald's parfaits and all american meals. She made sure that we at least had one meal on Sunday together as a family. I'm pretty sure she created the term YOYO dinner (Your On Your Own)... this really helped me to develop my talents as a chef for which my husband is very thankful:) She allowed me to help her with different projects that she had for school that gave precious one on one time. She had a way of talking to my dad that none of us could ever master. She mastered the many "teacher looks" that my dad would comment on at home.

I wanted to invite everyone else to write down their memories of her as well so that we can all learn a little more about the details of her life. Love you all!

My parent's anniversary

This Valentine's Day would have been my parent's 28th wedding anniversary. When I stop to think about all the things they went through and how they stuck together and kept loving and supporting each other, I'm amazed. I will never forget watching my mom reach out for my dad's hand the last 2 days before she died. Even though she could no longer speak, she still showed my dad how much she loved him and needed him with that one simple gesture. And my dad was always there to hold her and comfort her. They faced their last earthly trial together, hand in hand. The same way they had faced every other trial that had come their way in the last 26 years. As the years roll on, I've come to acccept that my memories of my mother will fade, but I know that this one memory never will.