For those days...

For those days when I really miss you I will always remember this quote from Elder Wirthlin about how to deal with challenges:
"The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
Elder Wirthlin, November 2008 Ensign. (pp. 28)
Thanks for thinking of me today and helping me realize this mom! Love you!

The day my life changed forever...

The day that my mother died has come and gone. I've been too emotionally drained to even really think about it until now. I remember holding her hand as she left us and wondering why no one was doing anything. How could we all just stand there and let her die? How could I ever go on without the woman that I loved best to help me and show me how to be a good woman and mother? I never thought my mother would die so young. Mother's don't die. They don't leave their children. I don't think you ever get used to being motherless. Over the last two years my raging torrent of grief at her loss has settled into a quiet stream of melancholy that flows through my life. Every new event and happy occasion is tempered by the fact that she is no longer here to share it with me or her grandchildren. There is no one to call and cry to on the days that I want to give my kids away (not permanently, maybe just for the day). So often I wish I could lay my head in her lap, have her brush my hair with her fingers and tell me that everything will work out. I never thought her death would make me feel so lonely. A lonliness that no one can help, because I only want my mother. I want my mother. So much. I know that I will see her again. This parting is only temporary. Still, on days like this, it seems far too long and only offers a measure of comfort. I share these thougths because I know that there are women who will read this that know too well my pain. My hope is that together we can make the lonliness and heartache a little more bearable.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Mom! Have fun up there with Bri and we're sending our love, hugs and kisses!

Almost two years

It will have been two years since you passed away, next week. Here is a poem I wrote tonight in my ESL Methods class. Hope you like it.

My Mom's Hands

They held me when I wanted to cry
and scolded me when I tried to lie.
They lightly tickled my ears at night
and helped me count my years just right.
I miss them running through my hair
or waving goodbye to me in the air.
Their shape was perfect in every way
and were always there when it was time to pray.
They shaped my life through service and love
and continue to do so from up above.
Now when I look at my hands I see
the person my mother always wanted me to be.

MELARIS

I was doing a little research today and came across this test that can help to determine your risk of developing melanoma. Part of me would like to look into getting and part of me doesn't. I worry A LOT about getting melanoma, espcially now that it seems have such a strong genetic presence is our family. Sometimes I look at my children and wonder how much of their lives I will live to see. Knowing my odds won't change them, but maybe make my doctors and myself more vigilant in keeping my healthy. But can I live with that knowledge if the test does come back positive? Just curious what your thoughts are on this Tate and Dorius family. Here is a website about the test.
http://www.myriad.com/products/melaris.php

The way things used to be

These last few days we went through all the stuff that my mom and dad had accumulated over their 26 years together. There was a lot of it. I couldn't believe some of the things that my mom had kept. Lots of our school work, awards, cards, those grade school mother's day gifts we gave her, and so many pictures. Some that I had never seen before. I came across a family picture we took at my high school graduation. There we were, all of us together the way we used to be, and I missed that home and that family so much. That sense of comfort and belonging that is "home". It's hard to realize that I don't have that anymore. I have my own family now but the child in me still sometimes longs to go home. I miss my family, plain and simple. Not just my mother and my sister, but the family that we were together. There were five and now there are three. The one constant thing in life is change I guess. Somedays I just have a hard time keeping up.

I came across some great pictures of my mom. I'll try to post some of them. I found one of she and I swimming when I was little. She is so beautiful! I couldn't get over it! My mom the beauty queen.(: Those bright, laughing, beautiful eyes that I miss so dearly. I also found a picture of my mom diving in Hawaii. I was always so proud of her for doing that. She was clausterphobic so it was not easy for her to learn to dive, but she did and she ended up really enjoying it. She never let anything stop her from doing what she wanted to do. I loved that about her.

Old Friends

Hey Mom!
It's been a while since I've written on here but I just had to tell you about my new teacher experiences! Last week I went to Scera Park to meet Miss Greaves for help on her preparation day, but it ended up just being a "Back to School" meeting with the teachers and principal. Of course I stuck out like a sore thumb in the middle of teachers who all new each other but then came the time for my introduction. Miss Greaves introduced me as Mrs. Fieber but someone on the table behind us quickly piped up and asked, "Are you related to the Tate's?" I turned around to answer the question and lo and behold it was Valerie Louder!! It took me a second to recognize her but I then I said that you were my mom and that I knew who she was:) I had completely forgot, even though grandma had told me:), that Valerie taught at Scera! And I must tell you that I was so proud to hear a few "ohh's" and "really, she was your mom?" as many of the teachers reminisced for a moment about their experiences with you!! I'm pretty sure that no matter where I am in Alpine School District I always run into someone who you touched! It was such a tender few minutes when I got to talk to Valerie and "catch up". She shared some very special memories and we shared a few tears. I really can't help but miss you everyday and especially when it comes to teaching.
I've been a little overwhelmed at times these past few weeks just wanting to call and ask you all of the questions that I have as an almost new teacher. How do you plan out a general year plan? How do you start the first day of school? What do you tell parents at parent teacher conference and back to school nights? How do you set up rules and routines? I know that most of this comes just by doing but I just want to be selfish for a bit and want you here.
We went to Russel's homecoming talk this morning and he has become quite the man. You would have loved to have been there and listening to his experiences and how he's changed. I chuckled to myself as he had "translation" times. I remember those days all too well. We all went over to Becky's for some yummy food and good conversation. It's been difficult sometimes to be around everyone since you've been gone. At times I feel like I'm a piece of the puzzle but without the piece that connects me to everyone else, you. I know that everyone there loves me and is always there for me but sometimes its so hard to feel like I have a reason to be there. I know that these feelings will pass but I so wish I could talk to you. You always had a way of listening and making me feel better about the situation. Now Brooke mainly plays this role for me. She is so much like you in that way and I'm blessed to have her. I also know that I have so many other people willing to listen to my blabbering and it brings me comfort in times of need. I had a dream about you the other night. You gave me a hug and I didn't want to wake up because I felt so at home. Love you as always and hope that you're proud of who we are!
Love always,
Jamie D.