My dream

I had a dream last night about my mom. It was so real. I dreamt that she got some sort of reprieve from death and came back to us. We knew that it was only for a short time and so there was a sense of urgency. She looked so beautiful and healthy. I remember not even being able to contain the amount of things I wanted to say to her. Word just started flowing out of me. I just talked and talked, nonstop. I also held on her to for dear life. Just being close to her again was so comforting. She just listened quietly and smiled. I don't even remember what I said to her, just that I got to talk to her and hold her hand again. I woke up happy and sad at the same time. My heart aches to really see her again, but it was so wonderful to be with her, at least in my dreams.

With Jesus and . . .

I was thinking about Steph today and remembered a funny and touching moment between her and Tate.  Tate must have been about 4 years old (because he was talking, and he didn't say much before he was 3).  He was sitting on Steph's lap and looking at her locket with the photo of Briana (the one she always wore around her neck).  Steph was talking about Briana and asked Tate if he knew where she lived now.  Tate said, "Yes!  She lives in heaven with Jesus."  And after a brief moment of more thought, he added, "And the Nephites!"  Steph laughed and laughed and laughed--so hard she was crying!

My dear sister, here is wishing you and Briana (and the Nephites) a happy, lovely, fun-filled day in heaven!

A New Tradition!

The reason why I ran a 5K!!!
After running the Rex Lee 5K
Mom, I ran the Rex Lee 5K and it was great! I felt so much closer to you during my 40 minute run and I am going to make this a tradition. Brooke said she is going to do it with me next year as well and I'm sure we can convince Dad to come along! Love you always and thanks for being my mom!

Finally!

Mom,
Here is my little note to you:) Three semesters have come and gone and I've gotten straight A's each time! I can still remember how frustrated you would get with me because I just didn't put that much effort into school. You were a teacher and even you couldn't get me to buckle down and not procrastinate. While I can't say that I am cured of my procrastination habits, I'm sure you're proud to know that I finally am achieving my best! Sorry it took me so long to "get on the ball" but I always come around at the very end now don't I:) You taught me to love teaching as an art and a challenge! Thank you for that, my future students will be blessed by the things you have taught me.... and I plan to make sure that they know who I got my stuff from. Love you and p.s. we bought a house! Wish you were here to help me decide how to decorate (even though a lot of the stuff I have I got from you:)
Love always,
Jamie D.

For those days...

For those days when I really miss you I will always remember this quote from Elder Wirthlin about how to deal with challenges:
"The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
Elder Wirthlin, November 2008 Ensign. (pp. 28)
Thanks for thinking of me today and helping me realize this mom! Love you!

The day my life changed forever...

The day that my mother died has come and gone. I've been too emotionally drained to even really think about it until now. I remember holding her hand as she left us and wondering why no one was doing anything. How could we all just stand there and let her die? How could I ever go on without the woman that I loved best to help me and show me how to be a good woman and mother? I never thought my mother would die so young. Mother's don't die. They don't leave their children. I don't think you ever get used to being motherless. Over the last two years my raging torrent of grief at her loss has settled into a quiet stream of melancholy that flows through my life. Every new event and happy occasion is tempered by the fact that she is no longer here to share it with me or her grandchildren. There is no one to call and cry to on the days that I want to give my kids away (not permanently, maybe just for the day). So often I wish I could lay my head in her lap, have her brush my hair with her fingers and tell me that everything will work out. I never thought her death would make me feel so lonely. A lonliness that no one can help, because I only want my mother. I want my mother. So much. I know that I will see her again. This parting is only temporary. Still, on days like this, it seems far too long and only offers a measure of comfort. I share these thougths because I know that there are women who will read this that know too well my pain. My hope is that together we can make the lonliness and heartache a little more bearable.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Mom! Have fun up there with Bri and we're sending our love, hugs and kisses!