Orphaned on the Holidays

Mom-
I continue to realize more and more how much you did to make things happen, especially on the holidays.  We grew up always having people to celebrate with... even on the little holidays.  Now, the little holidays seem to come and go, like the 24th tomorrow, and I'm left to plan something for myself.  I miss having you there to plan it and I kind of feel like an orphan.  Its hard to explain and for others to understand, but mom's really do get everyone together for the special occasions.  When you're mom is gone, so is a little part of that secure feeling that you're always invited somewhere.  Miss you and love you!  Thanks for always giving us a place to go to.

Love, Jamie

Just Stuff

Seeing how it's been almost a year since someone posted on this blog, I thought I would share a few of my thoughts. My mom has been gone 5 years now. For some reason this was hard for me. Really, I've only made it 5 years? It seems like I still have far too long until I see her again. I wonder sometimes what she would think of my parenting if she was here. I have this nagging feeling that I'm missing something as a mother because my mom isn't around to show me how to do it the right way. Like there's this special child rearing secret that only women with mothers know. Things are easier in some ways though. I more used to her being gone now. I still don't like it, but that's the way it is. The kids asked to watch home movies a few weeks ago and I almost made it through the ones of my mom without crying. It was nice to hear her voice. I feel like since she's been gone, my life has been exponentially harder and more complicated. I guess that's the point of life though, to be pushed out of our comfort zone and to grow from it. I often feel like I'm so much farther behind than I should be in learning from this but I hope that if I keep hanging in there and working toward peace and understanding, that my efforts will count for something. She never gave up, so how can I do anything less?

The wee babe:)

Mom,
i hope you don't mind that I'm using your blog to talk to you. It's does help me feel better though. We only have 3 months left before this little boy will come and I can't help but feel excited and anxious all at the same time. I always tell Adam that this little boy is so special! I'm sure you know that though. I hope that you are enjoying some time with him up there before he comes to us. In the depths of my heart though, I still wish that you could be here to enjoy him with us. I know that he can know you through me and our family but it's just hard to realize that he'll know you only through pictures and memories that we share at first. I wish the veil would part just a little and send him with his own memories of you. I know that Heavenly Father has blessed us with so many people to love and care for him and that I should be happy with that, but the selfish part of me just wants you here. I have so many questions and worries about being a mom. I wish I could have asked you about them while you were here. Brooke has been my go to person and I feel like I get some of your advice through her, which is nice:).
I hope that I can be a good mom like you. I also hope that this little boy will know who you are through the pictures and memories that we have. I want to create a book or something that he can have in order to get to know you. I've been struggling lately with the idea of him only knowing you through pictures but I'll get through it. One day we'll all be together again and it will be such a joyous reunion! My heart is full and I know things will work out but I just miss you and grieve for the experiences that we could have had but realize that I am also incredibly blessed. I know you would tell me that "things will work out" and I know they will. I love you dearly and am grateful for the example you gave me! Keep tabs on the baby and enjoy him for us:).

Love always, Jamie

Exciting news!

Mom-
Just heard from the district about our end of year tests! The entire fourth grade scored in the top ten percentile in language arts, math and science out of 48 elementary schools in the district! I can't believe it?! Wish you were here to celebrate with me!
Also, we're having a baby at the end of April. I want to call you and talk to you about it all the time but I have conversations with you by myself all the time. I miss you more than ever and long for your company. Keep tabs on that baby for us:)

Love always,
Jamie

A Song For My Mother

"I Often Go Walking"

I often go walking in meadows of clover,
And I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue.
I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over;
Dear mother, all flowers remind me of you.

O mother, I give you my love with each flower
To give forth sweet fragrance a whole lifetime through;
For if I love blossoms and meadows and walking,
I learn how to love them, dear mother, from you.

Words: Phyllis Luch, 1937–1995.
Music: Jeanne P. Lawler, b. 1924.

We sang this today in primary and I thought of her.

30 years ago...

....... my parents were married in the Salt Lake Temple.
I'm so grateful for eternal families! I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for that blessing and am excited for the day when Adam and I will be able to start our little family:) Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Where?

I promise this will not be a pity party.Well, mostly.(: I have been thinking lately about why I have been consistenly struggling to deal with not having my mom around. I am weak, that's for sure, but I wonder if it's something else. I'm not sure where to put her. Where she belongs in my life. When she was alive I knew. That was easy. We talked every day and spent time with eachother just about as often. She was one of my anchors in life. But that's not our relationship anymore. It can't be. So, what is our relationship now? How can I have the memories and not so much of the pain? How can she have a place in my life now and still leave me the ability to heal? Why am I still waiting for her to come back and make everything right again? Because that's not going to happen. I have to find a way to make things right again without her. Even writing that sentence makes me cringe inside. I'm really not sure how to do this. I need to find a way to forge a new bond with her. I bond that lets me keep her close in my heart but move away from the pain and anger I feel about her leaving. Right now those two things are far too entwined. Separating them can be done, I'm pretty sure. It just sounds scary and painful. Good thing I have a brother who knows just exactly how I'm feeling and what to do. Maybe I should rely on him. Maybe I should have relied on him more all along.