Orphaned on the Holidays

Mom-
I continue to realize more and more how much you did to make things happen, especially on the holidays.  We grew up always having people to celebrate with... even on the little holidays.  Now, the little holidays seem to come and go, like the 24th tomorrow, and I'm left to plan something for myself.  I miss having you there to plan it and I kind of feel like an orphan.  Its hard to explain and for others to understand, but mom's really do get everyone together for the special occasions.  When you're mom is gone, so is a little part of that secure feeling that you're always invited somewhere.  Miss you and love you!  Thanks for always giving us a place to go to.

Love, Jamie

Just Stuff

Seeing how it's been almost a year since someone posted on this blog, I thought I would share a few of my thoughts. My mom has been gone 5 years now. For some reason this was hard for me. Really, I've only made it 5 years? It seems like I still have far too long until I see her again. I wonder sometimes what she would think of my parenting if she was here. I have this nagging feeling that I'm missing something as a mother because my mom isn't around to show me how to do it the right way. Like there's this special child rearing secret that only women with mothers know. Things are easier in some ways though. I more used to her being gone now. I still don't like it, but that's the way it is. The kids asked to watch home movies a few weeks ago and I almost made it through the ones of my mom without crying. It was nice to hear her voice. I feel like since she's been gone, my life has been exponentially harder and more complicated. I guess that's the point of life though, to be pushed out of our comfort zone and to grow from it. I often feel like I'm so much farther behind than I should be in learning from this but I hope that if I keep hanging in there and working toward peace and understanding, that my efforts will count for something. She never gave up, so how can I do anything less?

The wee babe:)

Mom,
i hope you don't mind that I'm using your blog to talk to you. It's does help me feel better though. We only have 3 months left before this little boy will come and I can't help but feel excited and anxious all at the same time. I always tell Adam that this little boy is so special! I'm sure you know that though. I hope that you are enjoying some time with him up there before he comes to us. In the depths of my heart though, I still wish that you could be here to enjoy him with us. I know that he can know you through me and our family but it's just hard to realize that he'll know you only through pictures and memories that we share at first. I wish the veil would part just a little and send him with his own memories of you. I know that Heavenly Father has blessed us with so many people to love and care for him and that I should be happy with that, but the selfish part of me just wants you here. I have so many questions and worries about being a mom. I wish I could have asked you about them while you were here. Brooke has been my go to person and I feel like I get some of your advice through her, which is nice:).
I hope that I can be a good mom like you. I also hope that this little boy will know who you are through the pictures and memories that we have. I want to create a book or something that he can have in order to get to know you. I've been struggling lately with the idea of him only knowing you through pictures but I'll get through it. One day we'll all be together again and it will be such a joyous reunion! My heart is full and I know things will work out but I just miss you and grieve for the experiences that we could have had but realize that I am also incredibly blessed. I know you would tell me that "things will work out" and I know they will. I love you dearly and am grateful for the example you gave me! Keep tabs on the baby and enjoy him for us:).

Love always, Jamie

Exciting news!

Mom-
Just heard from the district about our end of year tests! The entire fourth grade scored in the top ten percentile in language arts, math and science out of 48 elementary schools in the district! I can't believe it?! Wish you were here to celebrate with me!
Also, we're having a baby at the end of April. I want to call you and talk to you about it all the time but I have conversations with you by myself all the time. I miss you more than ever and long for your company. Keep tabs on that baby for us:)

Love always,
Jamie

A Song For My Mother

"I Often Go Walking"

I often go walking in meadows of clover,
And I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue.
I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over;
Dear mother, all flowers remind me of you.

O mother, I give you my love with each flower
To give forth sweet fragrance a whole lifetime through;
For if I love blossoms and meadows and walking,
I learn how to love them, dear mother, from you.

Words: Phyllis Luch, 1937–1995.
Music: Jeanne P. Lawler, b. 1924.

We sang this today in primary and I thought of her.

30 years ago...

....... my parents were married in the Salt Lake Temple.
I'm so grateful for eternal families! I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for that blessing and am excited for the day when Adam and I will be able to start our little family:) Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Where?

I promise this will not be a pity party.Well, mostly.(: I have been thinking lately about why I have been consistenly struggling to deal with not having my mom around. I am weak, that's for sure, but I wonder if it's something else. I'm not sure where to put her. Where she belongs in my life. When she was alive I knew. That was easy. We talked every day and spent time with eachother just about as often. She was one of my anchors in life. But that's not our relationship anymore. It can't be. So, what is our relationship now? How can I have the memories and not so much of the pain? How can she have a place in my life now and still leave me the ability to heal? Why am I still waiting for her to come back and make everything right again? Because that's not going to happen. I have to find a way to make things right again without her. Even writing that sentence makes me cringe inside. I'm really not sure how to do this. I need to find a way to forge a new bond with her. I bond that lets me keep her close in my heart but move away from the pain and anger I feel about her leaving. Right now those two things are far too entwined. Separating them can be done, I'm pretty sure. It just sounds scary and painful. Good thing I have a brother who knows just exactly how I'm feeling and what to do. Maybe I should rely on him. Maybe I should have relied on him more all along.

Up late and.....

...missing you Mom. So many questions on my mind that I so dearly want to talk to you about.
I wish heaven had an email account or question and answer forum :) That would be nice.
Love you always.

Jamie D.

Can I Go Home Now?

A lot of the time I really want to go home. A home where I'm safe and comfortable. Certainly my home with Andrew is wonderful. But I miss being able to go somewhere and be the child, not the mother. Somewhere that I can lay my burdens down and just be taken care off. My "home" was gone the day my mom died. I know it's not gone forever but sometimes that doesn't make it easier. I can't believe she's been gone almost three years now. I didn't think I could go three days without my mom let alone three years. I wish I still felt safe. I wish that I go back to my bubble where terrible tragedies only happened to other people and never to my family. But I can't and I all I can do is deal with it the best I can. The lyrics from this song really sum up how I feel.

"See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train"
-John Mayer "Stop This Train"

"Beating" Cancer

I couldn't help but think of my mom today when I heard about the death of Patrick Swayze. It's funny how much of a bond you can feel with someone you don't even know. He fought a cancer similar to my mother's. Both of them are virtually impossible to survive once they have spread and neither gives the person much time. I have been impressed with the way he has handled his cancer since I first heard of his diagnosis. He kept on going. Like my mom. My mom served in the temple until she could hardly walk. She hoped against hope to the end. I think she knew that she probably didn't have much time, but she didn't let that take control of her life. I love her for so many things and I love her for that. It's been bugging me that all the papers are saying that Patrick Swayze lost his battle with cancer. He didn't and neither did my mom or anyone has who died of cancer. Patrick Swayze said, "I'm not winning the battle against cancer. What's winning to me is never giving up." I think it takes an extraordinary amount of strength to fight a battle to the death that you know you won't "win". My mom won the battle, so did Patrick, and so did so many others who didn't give up.

Stopping by for a visit . . .

. . . and to leave a few flowers.

It is the nicest spot in the cemetery--under a beautiful tree. That makes me happy.

My dream

I had a dream last night about my mom. It was so real. I dreamt that she got some sort of reprieve from death and came back to us. We knew that it was only for a short time and so there was a sense of urgency. She looked so beautiful and healthy. I remember not even being able to contain the amount of things I wanted to say to her. Word just started flowing out of me. I just talked and talked, nonstop. I also held on her to for dear life. Just being close to her again was so comforting. She just listened quietly and smiled. I don't even remember what I said to her, just that I got to talk to her and hold her hand again. I woke up happy and sad at the same time. My heart aches to really see her again, but it was so wonderful to be with her, at least in my dreams.

With Jesus and . . .

I was thinking about Steph today and remembered a funny and touching moment between her and Tate.  Tate must have been about 4 years old (because he was talking, and he didn't say much before he was 3).  He was sitting on Steph's lap and looking at her locket with the photo of Briana (the one she always wore around her neck).  Steph was talking about Briana and asked Tate if he knew where she lived now.  Tate said, "Yes!  She lives in heaven with Jesus."  And after a brief moment of more thought, he added, "And the Nephites!"  Steph laughed and laughed and laughed--so hard she was crying!

My dear sister, here is wishing you and Briana (and the Nephites) a happy, lovely, fun-filled day in heaven!

A New Tradition!

The reason why I ran a 5K!!!
After running the Rex Lee 5K
Mom, I ran the Rex Lee 5K and it was great! I felt so much closer to you during my 40 minute run and I am going to make this a tradition. Brooke said she is going to do it with me next year as well and I'm sure we can convince Dad to come along! Love you always and thanks for being my mom!

Finally!

Mom,
Here is my little note to you:) Three semesters have come and gone and I've gotten straight A's each time! I can still remember how frustrated you would get with me because I just didn't put that much effort into school. You were a teacher and even you couldn't get me to buckle down and not procrastinate. While I can't say that I am cured of my procrastination habits, I'm sure you're proud to know that I finally am achieving my best! Sorry it took me so long to "get on the ball" but I always come around at the very end now don't I:) You taught me to love teaching as an art and a challenge! Thank you for that, my future students will be blessed by the things you have taught me.... and I plan to make sure that they know who I got my stuff from. Love you and p.s. we bought a house! Wish you were here to help me decide how to decorate (even though a lot of the stuff I have I got from you:)
Love always,
Jamie D.

For those days...

For those days when I really miss you I will always remember this quote from Elder Wirthlin about how to deal with challenges:
"The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
Elder Wirthlin, November 2008 Ensign. (pp. 28)
Thanks for thinking of me today and helping me realize this mom! Love you!

The day my life changed forever...

The day that my mother died has come and gone. I've been too emotionally drained to even really think about it until now. I remember holding her hand as she left us and wondering why no one was doing anything. How could we all just stand there and let her die? How could I ever go on without the woman that I loved best to help me and show me how to be a good woman and mother? I never thought my mother would die so young. Mother's don't die. They don't leave their children. I don't think you ever get used to being motherless. Over the last two years my raging torrent of grief at her loss has settled into a quiet stream of melancholy that flows through my life. Every new event and happy occasion is tempered by the fact that she is no longer here to share it with me or her grandchildren. There is no one to call and cry to on the days that I want to give my kids away (not permanently, maybe just for the day). So often I wish I could lay my head in her lap, have her brush my hair with her fingers and tell me that everything will work out. I never thought her death would make me feel so lonely. A lonliness that no one can help, because I only want my mother. I want my mother. So much. I know that I will see her again. This parting is only temporary. Still, on days like this, it seems far too long and only offers a measure of comfort. I share these thougths because I know that there are women who will read this that know too well my pain. My hope is that together we can make the lonliness and heartache a little more bearable.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Mom! Have fun up there with Bri and we're sending our love, hugs and kisses!

Almost two years

It will have been two years since you passed away, next week. Here is a poem I wrote tonight in my ESL Methods class. Hope you like it.

My Mom's Hands

They held me when I wanted to cry
and scolded me when I tried to lie.
They lightly tickled my ears at night
and helped me count my years just right.
I miss them running through my hair
or waving goodbye to me in the air.
Their shape was perfect in every way
and were always there when it was time to pray.
They shaped my life through service and love
and continue to do so from up above.
Now when I look at my hands I see
the person my mother always wanted me to be.

MELARIS

I was doing a little research today and came across this test that can help to determine your risk of developing melanoma. Part of me would like to look into getting and part of me doesn't. I worry A LOT about getting melanoma, espcially now that it seems have such a strong genetic presence is our family. Sometimes I look at my children and wonder how much of their lives I will live to see. Knowing my odds won't change them, but maybe make my doctors and myself more vigilant in keeping my healthy. But can I live with that knowledge if the test does come back positive? Just curious what your thoughts are on this Tate and Dorius family. Here is a website about the test.
http://www.myriad.com/products/melaris.php