Exciting news!

Mom-
Just heard from the district about our end of year tests! The entire fourth grade scored in the top ten percentile in language arts, math and science out of 48 elementary schools in the district! I can't believe it?! Wish you were here to celebrate with me!
Also, we're having a baby at the end of April. I want to call you and talk to you about it all the time but I have conversations with you by myself all the time. I miss you more than ever and long for your company. Keep tabs on that baby for us:)

Love always,
Jamie

A Song For My Mother

"I Often Go Walking"

I often go walking in meadows of clover,
And I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue.
I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over;
Dear mother, all flowers remind me of you.

O mother, I give you my love with each flower
To give forth sweet fragrance a whole lifetime through;
For if I love blossoms and meadows and walking,
I learn how to love them, dear mother, from you.

Words: Phyllis Luch, 1937–1995.
Music: Jeanne P. Lawler, b. 1924.

We sang this today in primary and I thought of her.

30 years ago...

....... my parents were married in the Salt Lake Temple.
I'm so grateful for eternal families! I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for that blessing and am excited for the day when Adam and I will be able to start our little family:) Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Where?

I promise this will not be a pity party.Well, mostly.(: I have been thinking lately about why I have been consistenly struggling to deal with not having my mom around. I am weak, that's for sure, but I wonder if it's something else. I'm not sure where to put her. Where she belongs in my life. When she was alive I knew. That was easy. We talked every day and spent time with eachother just about as often. She was one of my anchors in life. But that's not our relationship anymore. It can't be. So, what is our relationship now? How can I have the memories and not so much of the pain? How can she have a place in my life now and still leave me the ability to heal? Why am I still waiting for her to come back and make everything right again? Because that's not going to happen. I have to find a way to make things right again without her. Even writing that sentence makes me cringe inside. I'm really not sure how to do this. I need to find a way to forge a new bond with her. I bond that lets me keep her close in my heart but move away from the pain and anger I feel about her leaving. Right now those two things are far too entwined. Separating them can be done, I'm pretty sure. It just sounds scary and painful. Good thing I have a brother who knows just exactly how I'm feeling and what to do. Maybe I should rely on him. Maybe I should have relied on him more all along.

Up late and.....

...missing you Mom. So many questions on my mind that I so dearly want to talk to you about.
I wish heaven had an email account or question and answer forum :) That would be nice.
Love you always.

Jamie D.

Can I Go Home Now?

A lot of the time I really want to go home. A home where I'm safe and comfortable. Certainly my home with Andrew is wonderful. But I miss being able to go somewhere and be the child, not the mother. Somewhere that I can lay my burdens down and just be taken care off. My "home" was gone the day my mom died. I know it's not gone forever but sometimes that doesn't make it easier. I can't believe she's been gone almost three years now. I didn't think I could go three days without my mom let alone three years. I wish I still felt safe. I wish that I go back to my bubble where terrible tragedies only happened to other people and never to my family. But I can't and I all I can do is deal with it the best I can. The lyrics from this song really sum up how I feel.

"See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train"
-John Mayer "Stop This Train"

"Beating" Cancer

I couldn't help but think of my mom today when I heard about the death of Patrick Swayze. It's funny how much of a bond you can feel with someone you don't even know. He fought a cancer similar to my mother's. Both of them are virtually impossible to survive once they have spread and neither gives the person much time. I have been impressed with the way he has handled his cancer since I first heard of his diagnosis. He kept on going. Like my mom. My mom served in the temple until she could hardly walk. She hoped against hope to the end. I think she knew that she probably didn't have much time, but she didn't let that take control of her life. I love her for so many things and I love her for that. It's been bugging me that all the papers are saying that Patrick Swayze lost his battle with cancer. He didn't and neither did my mom or anyone has who died of cancer. Patrick Swayze said, "I'm not winning the battle against cancer. What's winning to me is never giving up." I think it takes an extraordinary amount of strength to fight a battle to the death that you know you won't "win". My mom won the battle, so did Patrick, and so did so many others who didn't give up.