Where?

I promise this will not be a pity party.Well, mostly.(: I have been thinking lately about why I have been consistenly struggling to deal with not having my mom around. I am weak, that's for sure, but I wonder if it's something else. I'm not sure where to put her. Where she belongs in my life. When she was alive I knew. That was easy. We talked every day and spent time with eachother just about as often. She was one of my anchors in life. But that's not our relationship anymore. It can't be. So, what is our relationship now? How can I have the memories and not so much of the pain? How can she have a place in my life now and still leave me the ability to heal? Why am I still waiting for her to come back and make everything right again? Because that's not going to happen. I have to find a way to make things right again without her. Even writing that sentence makes me cringe inside. I'm really not sure how to do this. I need to find a way to forge a new bond with her. I bond that lets me keep her close in my heart but move away from the pain and anger I feel about her leaving. Right now those two things are far too entwined. Separating them can be done, I'm pretty sure. It just sounds scary and painful. Good thing I have a brother who knows just exactly how I'm feeling and what to do. Maybe I should rely on him. Maybe I should have relied on him more all along.

Up late and.....

...missing you Mom. So many questions on my mind that I so dearly want to talk to you about.
I wish heaven had an email account or question and answer forum :) That would be nice.
Love you always.

Jamie D.

Can I Go Home Now?

A lot of the time I really want to go home. A home where I'm safe and comfortable. Certainly my home with Andrew is wonderful. But I miss being able to go somewhere and be the child, not the mother. Somewhere that I can lay my burdens down and just be taken care off. My "home" was gone the day my mom died. I know it's not gone forever but sometimes that doesn't make it easier. I can't believe she's been gone almost three years now. I didn't think I could go three days without my mom let alone three years. I wish I still felt safe. I wish that I go back to my bubble where terrible tragedies only happened to other people and never to my family. But I can't and I all I can do is deal with it the best I can. The lyrics from this song really sum up how I feel.

"See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train"
-John Mayer "Stop This Train"

"Beating" Cancer

I couldn't help but think of my mom today when I heard about the death of Patrick Swayze. It's funny how much of a bond you can feel with someone you don't even know. He fought a cancer similar to my mother's. Both of them are virtually impossible to survive once they have spread and neither gives the person much time. I have been impressed with the way he has handled his cancer since I first heard of his diagnosis. He kept on going. Like my mom. My mom served in the temple until she could hardly walk. She hoped against hope to the end. I think she knew that she probably didn't have much time, but she didn't let that take control of her life. I love her for so many things and I love her for that. It's been bugging me that all the papers are saying that Patrick Swayze lost his battle with cancer. He didn't and neither did my mom or anyone has who died of cancer. Patrick Swayze said, "I'm not winning the battle against cancer. What's winning to me is never giving up." I think it takes an extraordinary amount of strength to fight a battle to the death that you know you won't "win". My mom won the battle, so did Patrick, and so did so many others who didn't give up.

Stopping by for a visit . . .

. . . and to leave a few flowers.

It is the nicest spot in the cemetery--under a beautiful tree. That makes me happy.

My dream

I had a dream last night about my mom. It was so real. I dreamt that she got some sort of reprieve from death and came back to us. We knew that it was only for a short time and so there was a sense of urgency. She looked so beautiful and healthy. I remember not even being able to contain the amount of things I wanted to say to her. Word just started flowing out of me. I just talked and talked, nonstop. I also held on her to for dear life. Just being close to her again was so comforting. She just listened quietly and smiled. I don't even remember what I said to her, just that I got to talk to her and hold her hand again. I woke up happy and sad at the same time. My heart aches to really see her again, but it was so wonderful to be with her, at least in my dreams.

With Jesus and . . .

I was thinking about Steph today and remembered a funny and touching moment between her and Tate.  Tate must have been about 4 years old (because he was talking, and he didn't say much before he was 3).  He was sitting on Steph's lap and looking at her locket with the photo of Briana (the one she always wore around her neck).  Steph was talking about Briana and asked Tate if he knew where she lived now.  Tate said, "Yes!  She lives in heaven with Jesus."  And after a brief moment of more thought, he added, "And the Nephites!"  Steph laughed and laughed and laughed--so hard she was crying!

My dear sister, here is wishing you and Briana (and the Nephites) a happy, lovely, fun-filled day in heaven!

A New Tradition!

The reason why I ran a 5K!!!
After running the Rex Lee 5K
Mom, I ran the Rex Lee 5K and it was great! I felt so much closer to you during my 40 minute run and I am going to make this a tradition. Brooke said she is going to do it with me next year as well and I'm sure we can convince Dad to come along! Love you always and thanks for being my mom!

Finally!

Mom,
Here is my little note to you:) Three semesters have come and gone and I've gotten straight A's each time! I can still remember how frustrated you would get with me because I just didn't put that much effort into school. You were a teacher and even you couldn't get me to buckle down and not procrastinate. While I can't say that I am cured of my procrastination habits, I'm sure you're proud to know that I finally am achieving my best! Sorry it took me so long to "get on the ball" but I always come around at the very end now don't I:) You taught me to love teaching as an art and a challenge! Thank you for that, my future students will be blessed by the things you have taught me.... and I plan to make sure that they know who I got my stuff from. Love you and p.s. we bought a house! Wish you were here to help me decide how to decorate (even though a lot of the stuff I have I got from you:)
Love always,
Jamie D.